Discover how being a people-pleaser can lead to certain traits in adulthood
Ever heard the phrase, “You have to look out for yourself first?” It means you should prioritize your own needs. But people-pleasers don’t see it that way. They often put themselves last, if they consider their needs at all.
“People-pleasers might know what they want and need but still put others first,” says Dr. Michele Goldman, a psychologist and media advisor for the Hope for Depression Research Foundation. “They struggle to say no and always try to please others.”
These habits often start in childhood. On the surface, people-pleasers seem selfless and enjoy making others happy. However, Dr. Goldman explains that these good feelings are temporary and leave them feeling empty. No one benefits from this.
“Over time, it can lead to complex emotions like resentment and disappointment,” Dr. Goldman says.
Adults who were people-pleasers as children often show the same traits. Psychologists share how to recognize these signs and what to do if you are a people-pleaser.
What Is a People-Pleaser?
“A people-pleaser often feels inferior in social interactions,” says Dr. Connally Barry, a psychologist with Thriveworks. “They think they have less value than others, so they try extra hard to maintain relationships. They get a sense of security from this.”
But this security is false.
“Their self-sacrifice creates unfair effort in friendships and damages their self-esteem,” Dr. Barry explains. “Ironically, people-pleasing is an undesirable trait in friends and hinders genuine connections.”
12 Common Traits of Individuals Who Grew Up as ‘People-Pleasers,’ According to Psychologists
1. Conflict avoidance
Conflict can help relationships grow, but people-pleasers avoid it.
“Disagreeing with others can feel threatening to people-pleasers,” Dr. Goldman says. “They fear being disliked or seen as difficult, so they avoid conflict to stay in good standing.”
2. Difficulty setting boundaries
Boundaries protect you, but people-pleasers struggle with them.
“As children, they learned to prioritize others to gain approval,” says Dr. Brittany McGeehan, a psychologist in Texas. “As adults, they fear rejection if they set boundaries.”
3. Anxiety
Constantly trying to make others happy is stressful.
“People-pleasers always think about what others want and if they’re satisfied,” Dr. Goldman says. “This can cause overwhelming anxiety.”
4. Go with the flow
People-pleasers often lack strong opinions to satisfy others.
“They need to comply with others’ wants,” Dr. Goldman says. “This leads to them not expressing their true selves, which can be exhausting.”
5. Empathy
People-pleasers are usually very empathetic.
“They tend to notice and care about others’ feelings,” Dr. Barry says. “But they must also honor their own feelings.”
6. Dependence on external validation
People-pleasers seek constant approval.
“This makes it hard for them to feel confident in their decisions,” Dr. McGeehan says. “They follow trends without knowing what they truly enjoy.”
7. Highly sensitive to criticism
Even gentle criticism can deeply affect people-pleasers.
“They need approval and fear disapproval,” Dr. McGeehan says. “They see criticism as validation of their inadequacies.”
8. Insecurity in relationships
People-pleasers want everyone to like them but are very sensitive to changes in tone or actions.
“They feel rejected easily,” Dr. Barry says.
9. Chameleon-like behavior
People-pleasers try to fit in with everyone, losing their identity.
“This can lead to abusive relationships,” Dr. McGeehan says.
10. Suppression of own desires
They prioritize others’ needs over their own.
“As adults, they find it hard to identify their own goals,” Dr. McGeehan says.
11. Chronic guilt
Setting boundaries can make people-pleasers feel guilty.
“If they express their wants, they feel uncomfortable afterward,” Dr. Goldman says. “They question themselves and regret their actions.”
12. Low self-esteem
People-pleasers often have low self-esteem.
“They find their worth in serving others,” Dr. Barry says. “They lack confidence in their own value.”
3 Tips for Overcoming People-Pleasing Traits
1. Take a beat
Pause before agreeing to anything.
“We often agree without thinking if we want to,” Dr. Goldman says. “Pause and consider what you want.”
2. Learn to set and maintain boundaries
Boundaries are crucial.
“Setting boundaries helps you prioritize yourself and create healthy relationships,” Dr. McGeehan says. “Practice saying no to requests that don’t align with your values.”
3. Focus on self-validation and self-care
Build self-esteem from within.
“Develop habits that validate yourself,” Dr. McGeehan says. “Engage in activities that nurture your health, like hobbies and exercise.”
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